


the hardest goodbye (you'll ever have to say)

by Somebodys_Hermione



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, and kind of worse outcomes, beau gets the chance the stew in her own personal rain cloud, beau leaves and yasha goes after her, coupled with low self esteem, leads to bad decisions, pretty dark internal thoughts and emotions, yasha finds her dont worry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:46:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29169804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Somebodys_Hermione/pseuds/Somebodys_Hermione
Summary: Beau offers to leave, and the hag takes the offer
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha
Comments: 4
Kudos: 77





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> title from Farewell Wanderlust by the Amazing Devil

Something was wrong. 

Yasha barely let herself think about how gut-wrenching it had been watching Beau walk out of that hag’s hut, crying and looking utterly broken. She  _ couldn’t  _ let herself think about what it meant that Beau had said she was leaving.  _ I’m leaving, I’m done, don’t come looking for me.  _ There’d been a mild uproar in the group at the statement, but Yasha didn’t even hear it, because she was already opening the hut door. She had to know what that witch woman could have possibly done to scare  _ Beau _ , of all people. She had to make sure the hag knew that upsetting Beau wasn’t a crime Yasha took lightly. 

Throwing open the door, Isharni was sitting with the smugly sated smile of a creature that had recently gorged on blood. Yasha couldn’t stop herself from hesitating a heartbeat at the thick unsettling aura that settled over the room, but pushing herself through, she approached the witch’s table and menacingly staked her sword in the dirt floor.

“What did you  _ do?” _

“I simply talked with your companion.”

Yasha took a steadying breath. “You’re going to release Veth and tell me what you did to Beau, and then I might let you live.”

The hag’s laugh sounded sickly. “Idle threats will get you nowhere here. But,” and the witch angled one of her chitinous fingers at Yasha, “your half-made goblin friend’s debt to me has already been paid.”

“What do you mean?”

***

_ Walking into the hut, Beau wasn’t even sure what she’d offer. Misery? Sure, she has shittons of that but how do you quantify something like that? How do you wrap up every bit of convoluted sad bullshit in your brain into a nice little package for something to consume. Probably with a bit more alcohol than Beau currently had in her system, but fuck it.  _

_ Beau swung open the door and tried to appear confident as she walked in.  _

_ “What do you want from us?” _

_ “I’m sure your companion already explained, I desire misery.” _

_ “Well, I’ve got plenty of it, go ahead and fucking take some already.” _

_ “I don’t  _ take  _ misery, others  _ make  _ misery and offer it to me.” _

_ “What, so I’ve got to make myself  _ more  _ miserable for you?”  _

_ “That would be the idea.” _

***

“I received a payment I considered valuable enough to release my hold on the one you call, Veth.” The hag made a small hissing sound on the last sound. 

Yasha felt her stomach twist and drop. “What- what did you take from Beau?”

“I took nothing that was not offered.”

***

_ “I could leave the Soul. Leave my work behind.” _

_ The witch’s lips curled. “Your work does not drive you. Your work is a vehicle with which you see the world and tell yourself you are important but you could find fulfillment elsewhere. You’d continue traveling with your companions regardless of whose payroll you exist on.” _

_ Beau considered the hag’s statement. Her next thought was the first time she felt truly scared in that hut.  _

***

Yasha felt the fear snaking around her body as she asked, “Then tell me what Beau offered to you.”

“If you don’t already know, she clearly didn’t follow our agreement.”

_ No. _ Pieces began clicking into Yasha’s brain. “Beau wouldn’t have…” Beau wouldn’t have left her. Would she?

The hag grinned menacingly. 

***

_ The hag was grinning and it was almost enough to send Beau running out of the hut. Instead, she took a steadying breath and laid her palms on the table.  _

_ “I’d do it then. I’d leave them. Leave my friends and never seek them out. Live my life as an outcast.” The words stuck in the chest as she spoke them.  _

_ “Would you, now?” The witch’s voice practically dripped with desire. “Would your companions simply not seek you out again? And where would my misery be then?” _

_ The question caught Beau off guard. She could sell it, that wouldn’t be an issue. Beau had always been good at lying about feelings. And if she did... Veth was dealing with too many of her own issues to worry too much about Beau. Cad and Fjord would respect her choices too much. Caleb might try to stop her, but he understood too well what the desire to run away felt like. Jester would just be hurt. And Yasha...Yasha didn’t care about her and even if she did, she’d be better off without Beau. They all would be.  _

_ Beau hesitated before shaking her head. “No. I don’t think they would.” _

***

“Tell me how to get her back!” 

“And what will you offer me for such a privilege?”

“I’ll offer you the ability to end the day in one piece!” Yasha could feel the anger growing inside herself, with the only thing stopping her from shredding the whole hut being that the hag was the only being who could get Beau back. 

The witch made a sucking noise. “Poor, lonely daughter of storms, losing two loves already in such a short life.” Her eyes were once again on Yasha’s. “I could bring her back too, you know. Well, one of them. I could do either...for a price. But you would need to decide.”

The words were strained, but Yasha barely hesitated before saying, “Zuala is dead and Beau is not, so you are going to tell me how to get Beau back,  _ now. _ ”

The hag’s laughter sounded like bait. “Making a choice then, I see. And yet you still haven’t offered me anything.”

***

_ “So you make the offer of leaving your companions? Will not seek them out? Will not contact them?” _

_ Beau gave a tight nod. “Yes. If you release Veth’s agreement.” _

_ “For this new misery,” the hag sniffed the air, “I would be willing to release your companion.” _

_ Beau let herself release the breath she had been holding, trying not to think about what she’d agreed to too much. “So what happens? I just...walk out that door and don’t stop walking?” _

_ That threat of a smile again. “Why don’t we make this a bit more interesting?” _

***

Yasha dropped her book- her precious book full of the beautiful flowers she’d collected- on the table and stared down the hag. “I offer you this for telling me how to rescue Beau.”

The hag plucked at the pages derisively before sneering, “Spare me your trinkets. I’m getting tired of you making demands of me.” The glare leveled in Yasha’s direction made her want to sink into the floor. “I don’t have anything to give you that would allow you to rescue your companion. Leave.”

Yasha felt her arms go limp at her sides, and her voice was barely a whisper when she said, “You’re lying.”

The darkness seemed to deepen inside the hut. “I am many things, but I am not a liar, and those who would call me such do not often have the opportunity to do so again.”

***

_ “Interesting, how?” Beau couldn’t decide whether she wanted to lean in or away.  _

_ “Let’s say a….technicality.” The hag’s eyes brightened. “If...your companions were to seek  _ you  _ out after telling them not to, our agreement would be broken and you would be free to do as you wish.” _

_ Confusion washed over Beau. “What-what could you possibly get from that?” _

_ “The knowledge that your companions  _ choosing  _ you would be enough to break your isolation, and yet experiencing each new day that they have  _ not  _ chosen to come, have not deemed you  _ important  _ enough to go after will deepen the pain with each passing day, and you will be  _ miserable _.” The last word was breathy as if the hag liked the taste.  _

_ Beau tried to hide how much the words hurt. Seeing her father again had just made her remember how much of a shit person she really was. Every day she stayed with the Nein was a day she made their lives, she would be doing them a favor by leaving, but...the hag wasn’t wrong that the continued loss would sting. She wasn’t dumb enough to really believe she was the kind of person who deserved loyalty of all things, but...the Nein was the closest she ever got to believing. And regardless, she was loyal to  _ them _ and she’d be damned if she was going to let Veth stay in the wrong body when she had the power to change it right in her hands.  _

_ “Deal,” and Beau reached out a hand.  _

***

Yasha stumbled out of the hut, disoriented. She hadn’t even noticed the sun setting, but it was now black night in the surrounding forest. 

Her companions swarmed around her, but she didn’t notice. All she could think was how she had to go into the forest, and she had to find Beau. She had to go after Beau. She  _ had  _ to. 

Fjord was at her arm, gently gripping it. “Yasha, we need to give her some time, these last few days have been hard on her.”

“No! She doesn’t need time, she needs  _ us!  _ She needs  _ me!”  _ The desperation in her voice caused the group to exchange worried glances, and it was Jester who said soothingly, “It’s dark now, we need to camp. She wouldn’t have gone far, but she isn’t responding to Sending, so I think she wants to be alone.”

Yasha weakly shook her head. She couldn’t think, all she could do was worry about Beau alone in the forest with whatever deal had been struck. 

She didn’t get much sleep that night, and she made sure to leave at dawn. 


	2. Chapter 2

Beau hadn’t really been thinking about specifics as she walked through the woods away from the hag’s hut. She hadn’t really been thinking at all. So she supposed it shouldn’t have been surprising she ended up at the shitty dive bar/smuggling front she functionally called her home in her teens. She pushed open the door. 

As she walked in, a withered old man noted her entrance with wide eyes. “Well, if it isn’t Beauregard Lio-”

“Yeah, yeah, Tony, long time no see. Look, I need a reason to be out of town  _ tonight _ .”

“Not much left of tonight, given that it's 2 in the morning,” the old man’s laugh came out as a wheeze. “So that’s a big ask to just barge in here with.”

Beau grabbed a chair and straddled it backward across the table from the man. “Last time we talked, I seem to remember you saying you owed me. 

The man’s eyes narrowed, not breaking eye contact. After several moments, he spoke, “I might be able to find some highly specialized cargo that needs to be hand-delivered north by a trained operative, provided that such an operative remember I didn’t have to do this and she better not fuck it up.”

“Deal.”

As the man began to stand, he asked, “And I don’t suppose I’m ever going to get an explanation about any of this from the ball of chaos that is Beauregard Lionett?”

Beau had to stop herself from sadly sighing. “See where my life ends up in 6 months and I’ll let you know.”

***

Yasha left at dawn. She had barely slept that night, but she had respected everyone else’s wishes to wait and see if Beau came back during the night. As hours passed, with Beau still nowhere to be found, Yasha simply grew more and more restless. And as the sun slowly started filtering through the trees, she set off, not even remembering to have left a note until she was several hours into the journey. Well, then. She’d just have to find Beau and bring her back before anyone got too worried.

Unfortunately, Yasha realized once she made it to the city of Kamordah proper that she truly had no idea when Beau might be. Where Beau might’ve gone. Certainly not to her parent's house. Maybe she would have gotten lodging somewhere? That was the closest thing to lead she had. 

Luckily, Kamordah was small, but the first two inns Yasha found hadn’t seen Beau at all. Wandering around, Yasha eventually got directed to a small hole-in-the-wall tavern that sometimes rented out rooms. It seemed like it might be Beau’s kind of place, so Yasha figured it was worth a shot. 

She’d certainly stumbled into something though because once she was inside and mentioned Beau’s name, every eye in the place was on her. A bony man disentangled himself from his table in the back of the room and fixed a suspicious glance in Yasha’s direction. “What do you want with Beauregard?”

The question took Yasha off guard, and without thinking, she responded, “I think...I might be in love with her.”

Laughter echoed in the room. “Well that’s certainly a new one,” the man grinned. “But your funeral. She headed north this morning. Tell her that if she decides to give up on the task she begged for, I want the wine back at the very fucking least.”

Yasha nodded, mildly confused as to what Beau got herself into, but too eager to find the direction Beau was in and just  _ run _ .

***

What a sight she must have been to occasional travelers she passed on the road. Running at the fastest speed she could maintain for long distances, a look of grim determination on her face, occasionally stopping to ask her passersbys if they had seen an angry blue monk. 

But on and on she continued like that, trying to avoid the constant numbers that were running through her mind. If Beau had left that morning she must have a 4? 5? hour head start on Yasha. And there was no telling when Beau would feel the need to sit and rest. And there was no way for Yasha to catch up unless she did. As the hours dragged on with no sign of Beau, Yasha began to worry she’d be unable to catch up before the road diverged or dropped off or Beau reached her destination and Yasha didn’t know. She couldn’t dwell on that. She just had to find Beau. She couldn’t let Beau just  _ sacrifice  _ herself like that. She couldn’t. Even if Yasha was becoming less and less sure of her ability to find Beau. 

***

Beau almost laughed at the irony of it all as the heavy raindrops started falling onto her face. After hours spent with nothing but the road and heavy satchel full of heavy expensive wine, there hadn’t been much to do except dwell on the people she’d be leaving behind. It was almost as if the endless stream of thoughts of Yasha had summoned the storm itself. Beau noted that a different version of herself might have even found it funny. 

At first she planned to simply keep walking. The plan had been to get as much distance between herself and anyone who knew her as quickly as possible, and Beau was not about to let a rainstorm get between her and that goal. 

Well, theoretically. But as the rain grew heavy enough she lost the ability to see her hands in front of her face, and the mud was thick enough she was risking losing her shoes to it with every step, Beau was finally forced to concede that travel might have to be put on pause. Luckily, the path was mountainous enough it did take long to find a small cave in one of the rocky outcroppings, and she quickly ducked inside. 

In the shelter of the cave, Beau had the opportunity to fully appreciate how soaked and cold, and miserable she was. She glared at the gathering storm clouds for emphasis. 

***

An hour into the downpour and Beau was beginning to get restless. The rain showed no sign of slowing and was forming a thick sheet over the cave entrance. There wasn’t even enough room to pace, so Beau was simply slumped in a corner sulking. 

Thunder rolled again. “Yeah, yeah, shut the fuck up,” Beau snipped, “Go bother your chosen one and leave me alone.”

Near simultaneous thunder and lightning shredded the sky, as if in response. 

“That’s what you do, isn’t it? Drag her across the continent doing gods know what, instead of letting her stay with the people who love her. And then you can’t even be bothered saving her when some cultist asshole straight-up fucking steals her.”

A softer thunderclap. 

“Yeah, that’s what I fucking thought.” Beau smiled smugly. 

***

The hours dripped by, and slowly the rushing water outside began to feel like a presence. Not necessarily a comforting one, just a presence. And Beau had been in that cave for a while. 

“I didn’t really mean to do it, you know. Well, I mean, I did  _ mean _ it, but I did it for Veth. Not ‘cause I didn’t care.”

The water kept rushing. 

“I actually don’t think I’ve ever cared about  _ anyone  _ as much as I care about those dipshits. Which is why I did it. I care enough about them enough to not be selfish.” Beau rubbed her eyes and sighed. “Yasha was the hardest though. When I think about her...it kind of makes me wish I’d been selfish....” She let out a sardonic laugh, gesturing at the rain. “Not that you fucking care, she would never’ve been mine anyways, she’d always belong to you and the sky.” Beau paused. “I mean if she’d even have chosen me. Which she wouldn’t have anyway. So I guess it doesn’t matter.”

Beau as a rule didn’t typically let herself be sad, but if there was ever a time to let yourself just feel fucking sorry for yourself, she figured alone in some random empty cave had to be it. So Beau let herself wallow. 

***

At some point, she had stopped talking to the storm like a storm and just started talking to it like it was Yasha. She had a lot to say to Yasha. 

“I’m sorry...for a lot of things, I think, but mostly sorry about the fact that I never got around to actually telling you anything.” Beau was still propped up in the corner, with her head tipped back so she could trace the cracked rocks in the ceiling as she spoke. “Because the thing is...I know you never would’ve felt the same, and that’s ok, but you are just...such an amazing person that I regret every moment I spent with you where I didn’t tell you exactly that. But I didn’t because I was scared and now I’ve got to spend the rest of my life living with the fact that I fucked up  _ that bad _ .”

Beau squeezed her eyes up tight and tried to steady her breathing in the damp air. “I might be one of the shittiest people to have walked this earth, but I promise I wouldn’t be scared if I got lucky enough to have that chance again.” 

The light in the cave shifted, and Beau cracked her eyes to see whether the storm had somehow managed to get worse. 

A tall figure stood at the mouth of the cave. 

Beau’s head jerked so hard she thought she might have ripped open her skull on the jagged rocks, as she screamed, “What the  _ fuck?” _

***

There were a lot of things Yasha wanted to do in that moment, top of which being scooping Beau up in her arms and squeezing hard enough that Beau  _ finally  _ understood how bad of an idea leaving was. 

Yasha had spent the entire reckless dash here thinking of what she’d get to say when she found Beau again. But standing here, seeing Beau looking at her completely dumbfounded and both of them soaking wet, Yasha found that she actually wasn’t sure what to say. 

Beau was the one to speak first, when she finally managed to stammer out, “H-how did you find me?”

Yasha gestured vaguely at the storm. “This was, uh, the only mountain with a storm cloud over it for miles. I thought it might be a sign.”

The look on Beau’s face was unreadable as she leaned back and let out a sigh. “I don’t know if Isharni thinks using Gods is cheating.”

“I don’t know if I really care what Isharni thinks.”

Beau’s head lolled to the side to stare up at Yasha. “And what about Veth? Veth’s new body? Her family? I dunno if her deal’s still broken.”

Yasha knelt down so she could push one of the soaked pieces of hair back off Beau’s forehead. She tried to do it as gently as possible, but Beau still lightly flinched. “If it’s not then we’ll go back and offer something else, whatever we need to do, but nothing, and I do mean  _ nothing _ , would be worth losing you.”

Beau snorted. “Veth might disagree with you on that.”

“Veth’s not here, but I am,” Yasha spoke with such sincerity that it briefly pinned Beau in place. “And  _ I  _ am telling you, Beau, that you are worth more than I can possibly say. And I-I  _ need  _ you to promise that you’ll remember that.”

Beau managed to nod, and somehow through the flood of emotions responded thickly, “Ok, Yash.”

Yasha gingerly reached for Beau’s hand and tried not to look hurt when Beau quickly pulled away. “Let’s get back to our family, yeah?”

A moment passed, long enough for Yasha to worry she had ruined something important. But then, she felt herself pushed backward, and she realized Beau had thrown her arms around her and had burrowed her face in Yasha’s neck. It took every cell in her body for Yasha to stop herself from squeezing Beau back so tightly it hurt. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> on to the 6-hour walk back :)

**Author's Note:**

> angst isnt my strong suit and this is the first multi-chapter thing I've ever written, but i enjoyed it and excited to see it to the end :)  
> shoutout to TheWisdomQueen


End file.
